Chatsquatch

First of all, notice that this post is in the “humor” category. I do not recommend you try anything mentioned in this article. Now on to the good stuff!

I am not writing this post because I pig out on buffets regularly. I am going to the casinos soon and after a day of losing all my cash, nothing is more satisfying than totally destroying the buffet. If you are in the same situation, here are some tips to recoup some losses from the house.

TIP #1 Only one buffet per day! Do not eat a breakfast buffet, lunch buffet, and a dinner buffet expecting to come out ahead. You have better odds of betting on number 27 in roulette. You need to eat, but a buffet for every meal is a mistake. Eat carbs for your meals leading up to the buffet. I like to take crackers or chips for snack during the day and skip meals.

TIP #2 Don’t drink anything with your meal (aside from beer). OK, the actual tip is do not drink anything with your meal. However, I do enjoy my beer. The reason why you do not drink with your meal is because it will coat your stomach and give you a full feeling. If you have to drink, just get a sip of water between plates.

TIP #3 Go for the good stuff… 3 plates worth if possible. Don’t eat bread. Don’t eat soup. Don’t eat mashed potatoes. Head straight for the carving station. Get yourself some beef or pork. My personal favorite is crab legs and I pile them on. After about 3 plates worth of crab legs, I dive into shrimp and steak.

TIP #4 Plan to be there a while. Like I stated before, I am staying at a casino. It’s really tempting to eat as fast as possible and then hit the slot machines. DON’T DO THIS! Make sure you are ready to dedicate yourself to the task at hand. I set aside about 1.5 to 2 hours to eat, drink, and chat.

TIP #5 Don’t forget dessert! And by dessert, I mean more crab legs. Kidding. You can pick up anything you want at this point. I think the break-even point for the buffet I go to is 3 plates of meat or seafood. After that, it’s all on the houses dollar.

Congratulations! You have screwed the casino out of something! Now take your time going back out to the casino floors because you have a very full and fragile stomach. If you get sick and throw up, just make sure to yell JACKPOT!

I did read something rather humorous on another person’s website (I am trying to find the link to give him/her credit):

Don’t plan on driving yourself home after that. The thought of having to work will make you want to stop eating. Call a friend and have them drive you home. I usually call someone and tell them I have been drinking. Everyone is fine picking up a drunk guy, but nobody wants to pick up a fat guy!